Miracle Drug Solves Everything

The need to worry (or panic) is over

Genetic scientists announced today that they have solved all the world’s problems.

The shock news was released this morning by Secretary of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded into popular TV programmes such as Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Spot the Celebrity Brain.

She declared that, “The need for anyone to illegally doubt this government ever again is well and truly over thanks to the latest miracle breakthrough by researchers at the famous top secret Frankenstein Institute in Apocalypse, Missouri.”

This news comes as something of a surprise to dissident factions such as voters, the middle classes, the working classes and other ungrateful minorities who were convinced that geneticists had given them strange lumps, breathing difficulties and other unwanted irritations such as the New World Order.

But everybody’s troubles are now, probably, over and we can all look forward to a new Golden Age of nothing bad ever happening again thanks to the Frankenstein Institute’s $4,000 billion four-year research programme.

Code-named Project Completely Sensible, researchers engaged in an ambitious search for the solution to two of the world’s major problems: a shortage of elbow room on an over-populated planet and a shortage of money in the under-funded bank accounts of shareholders of the Frankenstein Institute.

The solution that the Institute’s dedicated team have come up with is widely reputed by experts all across the Frankenstein Institute to be so complete and fool-proof and without any known side-effects or consequences whatsoever that neither the government nor the pharmaceutical industry need worry.

This is so much the case that anyone who enters any negativity into the proceedings by writing sarcastic articles or scathing Facebook posts about it it will immediately be arrested by an elite squad of Green Berets, locked up in a psychiatric institution and have their brain re-wired with drugs.

To those of you who insist that such treatment is a tad harsh, Ms Fibbs retorted, “No, it isn’t.”

She then went on to explain that in any case, harbouring doubts about your democratically elected dictatorship is now illegal and those who insist that people have constitutional rights are reminded that, no they don’t.  The Constitution was abolished last Tuesday by the Democratic Committee for the Abolition of the Constitution when it was proved beyond doubt by a press release from the office of the President that its content was largely seditious and ran contrary to the inalienable right of multinational corporations to be unconstitutional and/or wreck the planet. There will probably be a subliminal implant announcing this minor constitutional adjustment next year.

The President himself, speaking at the launch of the National Big Brother competition -  in which the lives of all citizens will be secretly televised to an audience of Homeland Security specialists - took pause to congratulate the Frankenstein Institute for its “sterling work.”

President Stalin is renowned for being the world’s first cloned President and was genetically engineered in a laboratory in Zimbabwe to have no common sense. 

He went on to say, “There are those who assert that the answer to the chaos and inefficiency that has made an under-populated and scarcely developed planet appear overcrowded is to run things better and stop being stupid. But we say there is no need to go to such extraordinary lengths when we have at our disposal the means to tinker recklessly with genes.”

And he added, “The Frankensteins have shown us the way forward. The answer to a world that appears small is to make human beings even smaller!”

The technological means to achieve the age-old goal of making human beings very small comes in the form of the “Lilliput Drug.”

Scientists noted that human beings, especially in America, have been getting larger and larger and predicted that by the year 2100 the average American male will be over 20 feet tall and almost as wide and weigh approximately three tons.

The strain on the Earth’s resources of increasingly large human bodies is obvious: larger bodies eat more food and drink more essential nutrients such as coffee and alcohol, require larger doses of drugs (or bullets) to sedate or kill them, need bigger cars and houses, use more toilet paper, take up more room and so on.

The answer to the problem is obvious: make human beings smaller. If, generation by generation, human beings could be genetically engineered to be progressively smaller in size, arriving over time at what is believed to be the ideal size for a human being – roughly four inches in height and five pounds in weight – massive savings will be made on the consumption of the Earth’s resources.

At those ideal dimensions, it has been calculated that the entire population of the planet could live comfortably on the Isle of Wight and be fed by the agricultural output of Angola.

In other words, as the size of human beings shrinks, the world will, from our perspective, seem to grow larger and larger until it corresponds with the relative size of Jupiter. This will give everyone a lot more elbow room.

There would be an added benefit in that labour will be a lot more comfortable for mothers giving birth to children who with each generation are roughly half the size of the previous generation.

This dream has now become achievable with the development of the Lilliput Pill. The pill was extensively tested on elephants at the New York City Zoo and the results of those experiments will be on display to the public as soon as the so-called “Lilliput Elephants” can be coaxed out from under the sofa in the manager’s office.

The new wonder drug, which has to be taken daily from birth until old age or compulsory sterilisation (whichever is the sooner) will soon be tested on humans by making it available on prescription or over the counter at drug stores.

Next year, consumption of the Lilliput Drug will be made compulsory for all citizens and those who decline gently persuaded to see the error of their ways by being locked up without trial. The government insists that this measure is not undemocratic as it merely weeds out those who disagree with the government, a measure which any person in his right mind and not a terrorist sympathiser must agree with.

Those necessarily exempt for the new compulsory shrinkage will be, among others, the owners of multinational corporations, government officials, the military and the police. All these will be permitted to retain their current size.

It is thus believed that when all other people are four inches or less in height, it will be easier for the forces of law and order to literally stamp out dissent and/or terrorism. And thus save on the cost of bullets.

The only known, mild side effects anyone need not worry about at all, - apart from being trodden on by government officials, - will be being chased by cats or carried off by starlings.

However to combat such fears, scientists at the Brain-u-Like Institute have announced a solution. They have discovered the existence of a hitherto unknown mental illness called TAD (Tiny Aversion Disorder) and developed a drug which will render anyone carried off by starlings, eaten by voles or mown down by stampeding cockroaches inordinately happy about the whole experience.

Related News

“Human Shrinkage plans do not go far enough,” says controversial group.

The UK-based “Miniscule Society”, an extremist offshoot of the AMF, the American Mini-me Federation, today poured scorn on the government’s plans to reduce humans to four inches in height. Posting on Facebook just before he was arrested by a nine hundred strong force of FBI agents backed up by tanks and surface-to-surface missiles, a spokesperson for the group accused the government of a conspiracy to deny people their inalienable rights to be very tiny indeed. Claiming that if human beings were reduced to the height of one millimetre the entire population of the world could live in a single fallout shelter and consume just one tin of spam per day......” [continued on page 1187]

Digital Carnage under Threat Say Experts

The Daily Scare

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.

This follows an earlier report in www.telegrapaph.co.uk/news on 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”

The committee had decided to believe evidence that entire combat units, such as aircraft and warships, could be rendered completely dysfunctional by a cyber attack. In such an attack an enemy, operating from a laptop in a terrorist stronghold such as the Eastern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere (except Tasmania) or Melton Mowbray could penetrate radar or satellites to create a “deceptive picture” in the military command structure (which has never had one of those before) while the increased use of unmanned drones and battlefield robots potentially add to the vulnerability.

Accordingly, experts are currently watching the Star Wars prequels and old episodes of “Dr Who and the Cybermen” for tips on how to counter this threat.

This is reportedly the culmination of the Defence Ministry’s long and often bloody struggle to liberate taxpayers’ money from the clutches of the Education Department, Health Ministry and other terrorist organisations – the so-called War on Not Having Lots of Money.

A key strategy of this long and arduous campaign is winning the hearts and minds of people who might otherwise have frittered away millions of pounds on food, shoes and their mortgages. Vital to making that “hearts and minds” strategy a success has been to deploy a tactic the experts are calling “frightening the bejeezus out of everybody by inventing yet another invisible lurking menace.”

Earlier invisible lurking red herrings such as Satan and Communism have proven a disappointment that hardly justified the expense of creating them or even burning heretics. Indeed, they inexplicably and embarrassingly expired (except Satan) just when everyone had been told they were going to take over the world.

The currently fashionable invisible lurking menaces such as the flu, mental illness, the weather and terrorism have also failed to live up to the hopes of many people in government and other crime syndicates, on account of completely failing to kill enough people despite all the help they have been given.

The Ministry of Warmongering’s Department of Scaremongering has done its best in recent years with scant resources but these projects have largely failed and Britons – unlike the Americans whose military spending has ensured no-one is safe – have been deprived of the terror and sense of foreboding that is their birthright.

Cases in point are Saddam Hussein, who completely forgot to have any Weapons of Mass Destruction and Osama Bin Liner who went and died twenty years before he became an international celebrity running a global terror network armed only with a beard and CIA funding. Both completely neglected to live up to all the advertising done on their behalf across the Western World and other hotbeds of sedition.

Currently, Iran has also let a lot of people down by refusing to build any nuclear weapons despite being told to by America and this has completely ruined Israel’s plans to have the US turn Iran into a car park for its tanks and similar weapons of peace.

The advent of unmanned drones controlled by a Nintendo Gameboy from a condominium on the shores of the Potomac in Washington DC and thoroughly tested on bus queues and wedding parties across Pakistan and similar military testing sites, has shown a great deal of promise.

These drones hold out the hope of a great saving on military spending by allowing the government to avoid the cost of drugging its soldiers.

The recent incident in which a drone headed for Pakistan blew a circuit and chased a Morris Minor for ten miles along the M6 in Shropshire is no cause for concern says the Ministry for Hysteria. The Morris Minor in question escaped unharmed when the drone veered off and proceeded to strafe Leamington Spa instead. In the ensuing carnage no-one important was killed before the crisis was brought to a swift end when an operative at the GCHQ centre near Cheltenham managed to press ctrl-alt-delete in the nick of time.

The Ministry spokesperson said that the government can assure in no uncertain terms anyone who harbours the deluded notion that military weapons are dangerous that this is probably untrue. Modern weapons are entirely fuelled by Mendacity a propellant well known for its power to galvanise inanimate object such as presidents as well as fully biodegradable plutonium. Thus, according to scientifically drafted press releases, they are 100% safe – unless you are the person they are pointed at or anyone within a five mile radius of the target. But then anyone foolish enough to be an innocent bystander is just asking for trouble.

Yet this promising development in the campaign to have carnage and mayhem fully automated is now threatened by the efforts of The Enemy to develop software designed to spoil everybody’s fun.

The identity of The Enemy is thus far a secret that is closely guarded for security reasons and will remain so at least until one can be made up or someone else can be found to first annoy and then sell weapons to.

Whoever it is or will turn out to probably be, they are certain according to my sources to be (a) invisible (b) lurking and (c) funded by the CIA.

However, some sources are warning that we can expect a full-on cyber attack “sooner rather than later” or even “eventually” and that hordes of computer nerds armed with battle-ready iPods are at this very moment massing on our borders.

The county will be placed on a war footing and the Ministry of Information plans to get the whole population into the spirit of things (mainly fear) by following successful actions first deployed in World War Two , such as plastering the country with posters bearing such legends as “Keep Calm and Carry on Doing Nothing” and “Careless Posting on Facebook Costs Lives” with stiff penalties such as public blogging for people who betray their country by suggesting we should try not to kill anybody – something which is known to be impossible in any case.

Meanwhile, researchers commissioned by the military are working flat out to develop revolutionary new technology to counter the threat to freedom occasioned by the swiftly developing cyber threat. These new advanced strategies will include:

• Banning cyber threats.
• Fining anyone who googles the location of our military installations or nuclear submarines.
• Blowing up Google.
• Having troops equipped with paper and pens – and having schools teach children how to spell or write.
• Having the military cease to issue battle orders by text or email.
• Demanding that troops on the battlefield have their mobiles switched off.
• Introducing the telephone.
• Training all military personnel in how to look out of the window to find out what is going on.
• Re-introducing shouting.

Keep Calm and Carry On

A wonderfully British sentiment, “keep calm and carry on” was a WWII rallying cry to all Britons. It was originally produced by the government's then Ministry of Information and formulated onto posters.  

It was then plastered by the famous Bill Stickers all over London in an effort to raise national morale, stiffen the upper lip and so forth at a time when the war wasn’t going so well and we were 2-0 down to Hitler at half time.

Personally, when things are going pear-shaped, “keep calm and carry on” is to my way of thinking a masterpiece of British understatement, not to mention under-estimation of effort.

It might apply to situations where one has just missed the bus or there is a power cut but when some cheap politician, funded by American and British banking interests has built himself a war machine and is busy plundering Europe in an effort to pay off his loans, “keep calm and carry on” does not, to my way of thinking, quite cut it.

I would have thought something along the lines of “now we are really cheesed off and are going to smash the loony bastard’s face in” would be more apt. But that’s just me.

Be all that as it may, 70 years on, the famous national slogan has in recent years become an icon as it appears on mugs, posters, books and other merchandise all over eBay and other cultural centres.

It has also become the subject of a long-running copyright dispute, having been trademarked by an entrepreneur who claims a monopoly on the famous phrase and is litigating to prevent anyone else from repeating it.

The businessman in question, having failed to secure the coveted copyrights to that little bit of national heritage in the UK, turned to that bastion and stalwart of British tradition, the European Union, which obligingly granted him the rights of ownership he sought.

So, if I understand it correctly, the phrase “Keep Calm and Carry On” is now the property of the aforementioned business person who, in the finest tradition of extracting from the human community more wealth than one puts into it, wants other people to pay for the privilege of using it.

You may have your own opinion as to the ethics and good taste of copyrighting a common phrase and well-known slogan and charging other people for using it but there is no denying that it is pretty darn shrewd.

My sources tell me that this has alerted lots of people who can’t think of anything useful to do in order to become rich to the opportunity to make lots of money by copyrighting common words and phrases.  A number of people have jumped on the copyright bandwagon as it trundles in the general direction of Eldorado.

Here then are some more common British phrases that have recently been copyrighted through application to the Ministry of Daft Ideas in Brussels.

“Labour Isn’t Working” for example has been copyrighted by the Labour Party and they will henceforth charge the Tories large sums of money for using it (although some would argue that the Tories have paid a high enough price for it already).

Not wanting to be left out, I have myself managed to secure the copyright on the following British favourites and God help anyone who uses them without first getting my permission and paying me large sums of money.

“Just ignore them dear and they will go away.”

“Kilroy woz ere.”

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

“I’m with Stupid.”

“You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps.”

“How much?”

“Sorry.”

“Nice one Cyril.”

“You must think I was born yesterday.”

“I must want me ruddy head examined.”

“I don’t want to make a fuss but . . .”

“It’s all the fault of those immigrants.”

“Somebody should do something.”

“You’re having a bleedin’ laugh aincha?”

“We’ve been right royally shafted.”

Now that should make me a bob or two. I tried to get the copyright on the entire English language but found the French already have an application pending and they plan to sell the rights to the Americans.

Coming Soon to a Theatre of War near you!

The Daily Scare

Entertainment  News

False Flag Operation: Part VI, The Iranian Frame-up

The latest blockbuster in the epic “False Flag” series is this gem from Armageddon Productions Inc. 

It is a sequel to the famous earth-shattering classics “Lusitania,” “Pearl Harbour,” “Gulf of Tonkien,”  “Twin Towers” and “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” and the prequel to the final chapter is this exciting, yet inordinately depressing, series: “False Flag VII “The End of Days.”

The Iranian Frame-up is expected to be unleashed upon the world at some time this year and break all box-office death records.  Its producers are as yet not giving away the exact date but thanks to leaked press reports in the Daily Scare and Washington Fibber, a small minority of some twelve hundred million citizens and other troublemaking elements are already queuing expectantly at fallout shelters across the world.

Featuring a cast of billions, it stars the bearded Iran as a country persecuted for refusing to build nuclear weapons whilst sitting on an oil pipeline. The story begins with our hapless hero being framed by “The Banksters” - a sinister global crime syndicate - for signing his own death warrant by committing a crime he did not commit and thus accidentally giving a giant known as MilitaryIndustrialComplex an excuse to invade.

In the False Flag - named after the Bankster tradition of persuading other people to kill its enemies - the evil villains sink a battleship/assassinate one of their pals/blow up part of Israel/bomb an American City/take up Satanism and human sacrifice and then tell everybody Iran did it. 

This causes people all over the world to believe everything they are told by people they know can’t be trusted, ignore all evidence to the contrary, then decide to kill lots of people who had done nothing wrong and finally start a war with China.

An exciting story unfolds with fast-paced action in which bus queues all over the Middle East and Shropshire are attacked by drones, the entire population of America is locked up for going on Facebook and asking for their Constitution back, babies wrestle with tanks, lots of people explode, thousands of people go mad and sacrifice their sons to the cause of punishing Muslims for believing in something other than money, hamburgers and drugs.

There is also a thrilling sub plot in which a remorseless mob hit man, known only as “Mr President,” makes thousands of people disappear and/or die whilst demolishing the global economy.

In another gripping scene a large section of the Middle East is also demolished to make way for a state-of-the-art demolition site.

Critics are saying that the “False Flag” plot has been done to death and audiences all over the world aren't dim enough to buy it a sixth time.  But fans of the time-honoured plot point out that many people have shorter memories than goldfish and will be unable to recognise that the plots of the last five instalments are almost identical.

The feature boasts many stunning special effects such as soldiers made to look and act like killer androids, lots of explosions that only kill guilty people over the age of 18, politicians made to look like they feel remorse and various parliaments that look convincingly like real democracies.

It also features some very fine acting on part of some of the minor players: Britannia does a convincing job of appearing to not act on orders from Washington, actors from the Bilderberger and Illuminati Schools convince everybody their characters are sane and do not worship Lucifer, while the CEOs of several multinational corporations manage to convince a global audience that the destruction of Earth is an economic necessity.

For those of you fed up with the whole thing and thinking of giving this one a mass, we are pleased to tell you that attendance is compulsory.

Man Nobody Ever Heard of Denies Rumours

The Daily Scare

Steve Cook speechless, wife pleasantly surprised

That tweet/blog post in full

As Katherine Jenkins issues her own shock denial concerning rumours about a relationship with David Beckham that nobody was aware of, Steve Cook has decided to follow her example and act pre-emptively to protect his own lack of reputation.

I want to make it a matter of public record that there is no truth at all in the rumour on everybody’s lips that in the early 1960's I had a secret love affair with Marilyn Monroe. I deny with every ounce of vigour in my body that she described me as the most interesting man alive.

Many of you may find that hard to believe and I can understand that you are stunned. You may think that I am lying through my dentures but I assure you I have a birth certificate to prove that I was only 8 years old at the time.

As for the “most interesting man alive” thing, the words widely attributed to Ms Monroe never once left her pouting lips and were actually voiced by someone else (ie, me).

So there’s another malicious rumour I can scotch straight away: I can without reservation or fear of much contradiction reassure everybody who might have been losing sleep over it that I am actually younger than I look. I am not in fact 89 years old but merely a sprightly and precocious 60.

The whispers circulating about my sexual prowess are, however, true I’m sorry to say. . .

Be that as it may, you must believe me when I tell you that there is also no truth whatsoever in the allegations now circulating that I am the secret love child of a certain merchant banker and the undisclosed heir to. . . well, half the planet. Please understand that this is equally unfounded malicious gossip that everyone was completely unaware of until I mentioned it, although I do, I admit, desperately wish it were true.

Equally, the widely held belief that I ghost-wrote The Lord of the Rings for my close friend Johnnie Tolkien is equally slanderous and untrue (although I did, I admit, on occasion correct some of his grammer and speling).

I think it only fair to warn you that should any of the tabloid gutter press irresponsibly pick up on these rumours accidentally mentioned in my press releases and seek to make sensational headlines out of them by launching me to fame and fortune, I will be truly mortified. And if anyone invites me to appear on Celebrity Big Brother, thus seeking to profit from my inadvertent projection into the national limelight, you will be hearing from my solicitors, Swindle-Shyster of Cheapkate, Berkshire.

And I am inordinately saddened and distressed by the allegations that the Dalai Lllama has predicted I will get a knighthood, mainly because he also predicted England would win the European Cup.

And finally, let me put to bed several other rumours concerning me before anyone thinks of them.

I have no intention of playing midfield for Manchester United even if Sir Alex begs me to do it.

I have never orbited the Earth in a Soyuz Spacecraft, although I did once orbit London in a Vauxhall Astra looking for Stansted Airport.

I will not be accepting any Oscars - not even if Obama does pull his troops out of Afghanistan. It will take more than that to win me over I can tell you!

Madonna and I are just good friends – or we will be as soon as she accepts my Facebook request.

Honestly, I don’t know what puts these ideas in people’s heads.

Corporate Cartel Seeks Reliable Maniac

The Daily Scare

Employment News

The peace-loving corporate multi-national, MIC (Military Industrial Complex) is urgently seeking to fill a vital executive position that has unexpectedly become vacant.

MIC (motto: “Delivering the payload 24/7”) today announced that the successful appointee to this vital and varied role, which bears the title of Ruthless Dictator, will be responsible primarily for restoring morale to the MIC’s philanthropic arm, the NATO charity, mostly by giving it a reason to exist and/or blow some people up.

NATO is currently preoccupied with its benevolent work in Libya but there are rumblings of discontent among its major benefactors.

Many of them feel that the threat posed by Libya has been disappointingly half-hearted and nowhere near scary enough.

Gadhafi was never able to get his act together and amass warlike hordes poised to invade Europe, or at least create the impression that he had. This caused a very real problem for his employers at MIC, the chilling prospect that orders for MIC’s lovingly crafted state-of-the-art weapons of mass genocide would dry up.

This has brought about Gadhafi’s removal from post, his notice hand-delivered in the time-honoured manner by several thousand irate citizens.

MIC, famous for winning many awards from governments such as the coveted “Immunity from Prosecution,” “The Keys to the Exchequer,” and “The Queen’s Award for Economic Blackmail” today issued a brief statement through its spokesperson, Joe Satan (15), head of its Department of Warmongering.

The statement said, “The performance of recent appointees to the Ruthless Dictator position has not justified the trust placed in them. Therefore we are looking for a new broom, someone with a fresh approach. We must avert the catastrophic prospect of running out of bogeymen to frighten people with because that would cause a drastic decline in consumer demand for our products. If an epidemic of peace breaks out, jobs will be lost throughout the industry, thousands of shareholders will lose their Porsches and the economies of the United States and her Trans-Atlantic province, Great Britain, will be irreparably damaged.”

The plight facing the NATO charity is a case in point and exemplifies the problem with which the entire MIC conglomerate is struggling. An effective Ruthless Dictator (R.D.) competently fulfilling his (or her, as this is an equal opportunities position) duties is essential for the maintenance of healthy sales figures.

Without an R.D. who is up to the task, what marketing experts refer to as MIC's Unique Selling Proposition, ("We blow people up for their own good") is compromised. The average tax payer then becomes uncooperative about his (or her) role in supplying MIC with money.

Then a mealy mouthed, pinko-liberal minority of no more than 80% of the population start making a big song and dance about killing people with whom they have no quarrel and have in fact never even met. The government can then be forced to spend tax payer's money dealing with a pandemic of reasoned arguments before it gets out of hand.

MIC may even be forced to think up another Unique Selling Proposition but in that regard is right out of ideas as it tends to be notoriously difficult to think up good reasons for shifting stocks of WMDs before they're past their sell-by date.

Indeed, not only MIC is jeopardised by this fear shortfall. Fear of external threat, in so far as it keeps the public’s attention off what its own government is doing, has been the keystone of successful governments for thousands of years, while a good excuse to kill some foreigners and dismember their children has always been a vital component of international diplomacy.

Without these familiar tools, governments will not know what to do. They face the grim prospect of people wondering why they need them, of not being able to blame someone else or even being in a position of having to answer intelligent questions from their citizens and other enemies.

It is generally felt within MIC and its public relations offices in the White House, Downing Street, Brussels and so forth that the rot set in with the late and sorely missed Soviet Union.

Until the end of the highly profitable sales drive known as World War Two, the Ruthless Dictator position was filled by a number of highly qualified and very adept incumbents such as Messrs Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini.

After the phasing out of Hitler and Mussolini and the unfortunate death of Mr. Stalin, things have not quite been the same.

The post-Stalin Soviet Union let everybody down by embarrassingly collapsing suddenly in the face of a puff of wind just after billions had been spent promoting it as a threat sufficient to place the entire planet on a permanent war footing.

Thus ended something of a Golden Era for MIC and its partner the World Debt Emporium, which had succeeded in persuading governments to run up vast debts so as to buy weaponry capable of wiping out the entire planet three times over, even when once would have been quite sufficient.

Since then, MIC has cast about for a new Ruthless Dictator to provide the key fear factor. Success in this regard has been mediocre at best and the new target of being able to wipe out the Earth five times over has consequently been placed in jeopardy, thanks to a succession of extremely disappointing performances from subsequent appointees.

Saddam Hussein, for instance, while he was quite good at murdering his own citizens, completely failed to amass armies on Europe’s borders. This was despite all the technical help given him by his employers at MIC (Military Industrial Complex) and generous financing from the World Debt Emporium.

He neglected too to build missiles capable of reaching further than Iran or which would not hit somewhere unimportant like Israel when aimed at Great Britain. This in turn caused embarrassment for certain Western politicians who told everybody he had.

Hussein then went completely mad and invaded Kuwait without permission. This was something no-one could have foreseen a sadistic megalomaniac would do. Indeed, he had been dutifully slaughtering his own citizens and waging war on Iran in the normal way right up to the point where his behaviour became unacceptable. Consequently he had to be forcibly removed from his post. As any trainer of pit bulls will tell you, if it shows an inclination to slip its leash and turn on you, you have no choice but to put it down.

Osama Bin Laden proved very adept at killing and, with the help of media PR campaigns, terrifying people the world over on very scant resources but again he failed to convince people he had the capability of launching an invasion. While he managed to boost sales in ancillary industries such as surveillance equipment and enabled certain governments to curtail the rights of their citizens, he never provided a target that anyone could point lots of expensive missiles at. In the end, someone made the mistake of claiming that he had been killed and that finished him as a threat.

With Gadfahi in Libya also failing to terrify the western world, MIC is now seeking someone who will do the job properly.

Various candidates are already being considered but the way is clear for any cheap politician who feels he can bring some creativity to the role to apply.

Candidates should have the following qualities

• must look swarthy
• must have own beard or moustache and/or look wooden
• must not speak English
• must be a dedicated psychopath – willingness to murder own citizens and thus render them “in need of protection” is essential.
• must be a supporter of psychiatry – a psychiatrist himself or under treatment from a psychiatrist. Experienced psychiatric experts will be provided to advise him on the drugging of his citizens or the use of Electro Convulsive Torture (ECT), brain washing and mind control
• must be dim
• must be dictatorial
• must be ruthless
• must have some previous experience of politics, with proven skills in the arts of back-stabbing, killing political opponents (or friends) and vote rigging an advantage.Candidates do not have to be presently in power in their country as all necessary help will be provided to get them into power quickly once they are chosen for the Ruthless Dictator role

Possession of own weapons of mass destruction is also an advantage but not essential. High-interest loans to purchase these from MIC’s out-of-date stockpiles will be provided by the World debt Emporium and can be repaid by taxes extracted from the successful candidate’s own citizens.

Equally an advantage but not essential, the candidate will have familial or commercial ties with western business interests or banking or be an asset of western intelligence agencies.

The job offers considerable perks for the right person, including a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account held in escrow until he has successfully completed his tenure.

Tenure is usually for ten years after which his employers will assist his smooth transition into retirement by faking his death, referring him to a plastic surgeon and relocating him to a luxury villa in South America.

All applicants should apply in writing to The Safe House, Dead Letter Box 9, [address deleted for security reasons]

Airport Cupcake Scare

The Daily Scare

Security Agencies Crack Down on Home Baking 

In the wake of a recent security scare in which a “woman” was caught red handed trying to bring two cupcakes aboard a plane at Las Vegas airport,security services the world over are now on the alert for attempts by “people” to smuggle bread crumbs, scones, vanilla essence, waffles and other bomb-making equipment aboard aircraft.

In further moves to crack down on what is emerging as a plot involving millions of terrorists to bring civilisation to its knees, thousands of websites publishing recipes for cakes and potentially deadly flans are being shut down.

Meanwhile, the alleged ringleader of the global, Al Cakeater, terrorist organisation has been moved to the top of the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list.

Known only as “Mr Kipling,” he was believed until yesterday to have been a made-up character. But he is notorious for making exceedingly good “cakes” and is now being sought in connection with the discovery of a number of “cake baking” factories in Barnsley and other locations in the UK that for a number of years have been operating right under the noses of the British Security forces.

Ashen-faced Roger Stalin (13) MP for Gestapo in Yorkshire announced that he has been fully briefed on the Confectionary Threat by his American colleagues in the Senate group, BOOR (Bumptious Officialdom and Overreaction).

He told this reporter that he is, “Ashen-faced at this latest horror emerging from the People’s Republic of America.”

He went on to say: “Things are even worse than we thought. We all knew that every one of us was under threat of being turned into cat food at any minute but the sheer scale and magnitude of the horror is only just coming to light. It is sobering to think that at any moment someone could walk onto a plane armed with self-raising flour and a small carton of whipped cream. These ingredients are lethal – all one has to do is add three kilos of nitroglycerine, bake in a slow oven for forty five minutes, then add a sprinkling of icing sugar and some hazelnuts and one has a lethal cocktail capable of blowing Neasden off the map!”

Accordingly, security forces across Britain have been moved to full BTA (Brown Trouser Alert), with the suspension of all civil liberties as an unavoidable measure for ensuring the continuation of our traditional freedoms (except baking).

The alert will be downgraded to “Loose Bladder” once the immediate threat has been dealt with – probably some time in the twenty-third century.

Officials are also considering an all-out ban on McVities HobNobs, with stiff sentences for those caught in possession.

As Mr Stalin explained: “These devices can be lethal. A trained operative well schooled in the Ninja arts could easily take a pilot’s eye out with one skilfully flung piece of confectionery or wave one about in a threatening manner and thus hold an entire plane to ransom. We also know for a fact that several tons of HobNobs were recently shipped in cargo planes bound for Saudi Arabia and other destinations all over the Middle East. Who’s to say they won’t end up in terrorist training camps?”

We will keep you informed of developments as this new drama unfolds.

Meanwhile, the breaking news is that a similar scare took place at Heathrow this morning on a plane bound for Brussels and a man known as David Cameron and claiming to be a ”Prime Minister” was arrested.

In his briefcase were found plans and documents labelled “Economic Strategy” but which officials quickly recognised as a recipe for disaster.

English Rugby - New Horror!

The Daily Scare

Shock News from the World of Rugby UnionNews just in is that the England Rugby team have announced that they will be introducing their own response to the famous “Haka” performed by the New Zealand Rugby players before matches. The move is widely predicted to spread “fear and dismay” throughout the word of Rugby, especially in England.

The Haka is a Maori dance, which starts with the chant "Ka mate, ka mate (It is death, it is death”). It is both a war chant and a challenge and is customarily performed by the All Blacks before major games.

It is characterised by loud chanting, aggressive flailing of arms and stamping of feet, fierce looks and angry tongue poking. Those who have witnessed it will vouch for the fact that it is both inspiring, a bit demented and, in fact, quite rude

It is designed to wilt the resolve of opposing teams by convincing them they are about to engage in sport with a team of homicidal psychopaths.

Not to be outdone, English Rugby Union have produced their own traditional English response, a war dance of great antiquity, which they believe will convince opponents they are about to play people similarly unhinged and put the All Blacks completely off their game.

At a secret training camp, English players have been rigorously trained in the new dance and its simple but profoundly disturbing choreography. When England play New Zealand later this year, they plan to leash it upon their unfortunate opponents. The New Zealanders will be allowed to go first with their Haka and then the English players will then respond with their own dance.

Called the “Morris,” it is expected to completely break the concentration of the New Zealanders and to perform it, the English players will be using especially embroidered handkerchiefs for the first time.

Other dances were considered during the planning stage but in the end the Morris was chosen in preference to another traditional English dance known as the “Jive” as the latter occasioned too much risk of injury to the players.

Government to Clamp Down on Wind Farms Shock!

The Daily Scare

A senior government minister is today being reprimanded for letting the public know what it is really planning to do.

A slip of the tongue by Energy Minister John Fossil-Fuels, MP for Luddite-in-the-Wold, caused red faces throughout Whitehall and distracted the government from its preparations for World War Three.

At a recent press conference, Mr Fossil-Fuel accidentally told journalists that the government will soon be bringing a halt to the development of wind farms in the UK because “the great British public doesn’t want wind farms all over the place because they make the UK look too wind-farmy.”

The government’s double-spokesperson, Janet Gaffsmother, was quick to clarify.

“Clearly the Minister’s remarks were misunderstood,” she announced by text message this morning, “and what he really meant to say was ‘this government thinks wind farms are fab.’ Which of course we do, at least for the foreseeable future (next Tuesday) whereupon we reserve the right to think something else entirely but not tell the electorate what it is.”

A source close to Downing Street said: “These latest revelations fly in the face of many centuries of tradition that demand that Minsters refrain from making public statements that are too easily understood by the public, which lay government policy open to accusations of being too transparent and/or annoying.”

But Mr Fossil-Fuel was both unrepentant and insisted that government should never sacrifice its obligations to its benefactors by pandering to the good of the country. Speaking to this reporter during an interval at the annual conference of the Oil Barons Benevolent Society, he laid out a damning case against the continuation of the country’s dangerous flirtation with free, clean energy, which many experts in the field of environmental depredation have predicted “will only end in tears.”

For one thing, wind farms are nowhere near as stylish and pleasing on the eye as the brooding majesty of nuclear cooling towers, especially the ones that glow in the dark, or the sunlight refracted in glorious technicolour through the mists of an atmosphere delicately tinted with carbon monoxide and other beneficial effluents.

What town or village in the land would not prefer to reside next to the pleasing undulations of the occasional inoffensive slag heap or bask in the shadow of an hydraulic fracturing tower as it benignly opens cracks in the Earth’s crust?

For another thing, the wind farms are eerily quiet. The lazy whoosh of their ponderously turning blades is just too disquieting for Tory party donors from the fossil fuel community and other people of a nervous disposition.

It is rather dull too for the taste of most Brits, who prefer rattling window panes, the roar of earth moving juggernauts and the heady boisterousness of living close to the edge of motorways, open cast mines, airports or extinction.

Let’s face it, if the sinister environmentalists and other enemies of corporate freedom have their way, and the country becomes sort of too clean and quiet; people will sorely miss the clank and judder of machinery, the occasional explosion, the hiss of escaping vapours and the wail of meltdown sirens so lovingly associated with traditional methods of raping the planet.

The turning blades of the evil wind farms pose a serious threat to local wild life too: they could easily take the eye out of some passing seagull at any moment, a fate infinitely worse than the slight inconvenience of being washed up on a beach smothered in crude oil.

Not only that, what would happen if one of those propellers became detached in high winds and went cart-wheeling across the landscape, demolishing small villages and coming to rest by flattening Chipping Sodbury? This would be an environmental disaster far worse than a mere nuclear meltdown or the odd little seepage of arsenic into the drinking water.

If the wind farm debacle is allowed to continue, the nation faces the, er . . . debacle . . . of having no need to attack Middle Eastern countries, not to mention the disaster of cheap, clean energy bringing about an improvement in our quality of life and thus propelling governance into hitherto uncharted waters.

Another problem with wind farms and similar machinations of Lucifer is that they merely recycle existing energy rather than releasing new hitherto inert energy into the biosphere. Thus they barely contribute to the cause of global warming so favoured by the nation’s great lunatics and if the unthinkable scenario of global no-particular-warming ever comes to pass, you can kiss goodbye government plans for bringing about a more Mediterranean-like climate to these isles.

Besides, the engineering of a more Venus-like climate is a small price to pay for the peace of mind of the Fossil and Radioactive communities. In any case, climate change in a more alien-friendly direction is vitally necessary as we prepare for invasion by the planet Tharg that is scheduled for 2020, if not sooner.

It is crucial at this stage that we make our alien visitors feel right at home by presenting them with an atmosphere they, at least, can breathe.

Economically, it is vital that we continue the tradition of borrowing large sums of money from banks at high rates of interest so that we can then give it to the Japanese for building nuclear reactors across the nation. It is far better to pay through the nose for the energy to power our dishwashers than go cap-in-hand to Mother Nature for a free handout. We should consider too that for the cost of building three hundred wind farms on unused hilltops we could build a single nuclear reactor on the outskirts of Basingstoke and provide jobs for thousands of foreign workers and environmental disaster experts.

By doing the latter, we can spend money that would be otherwise be frittered away on not taxing people or growing organic food.

Encouraged by the example of the Fukushima meltdown and the German government’s abandonment of its nuclear programme, plans to have a Japanese company build reactors will forge ahead.

The Toyota company is due to start building reactors across England and Wales next year. These will be state-of-the art installations compete with stylish gull-wing doors and anti-fallout airbags and meltdown sirens in a choice of popular ring tones.

But to reassure the British public that its safety is always not too far from the government’s mind, another company highly reputed in the industry to have donated lots of money to party funds, will undertake the manufacture of breathing masks and hazmat suits for each citizen, all readily available on manageable hire purchase terms.

To make the whole adventure fun for the kiddies, the suits will come in a variety of designs, including Winnie the Pooh, Thomas the Tank Engine and even the latest craze: the GMO Cabbage Patch Dolls, complete with additional heads and stick-on tumours.

Drilling for gas using the so-called “fracking” technique will meanwhile be accelerated, encouraged by the fact that it has been banned in France. Fracking will involve punching cracks in the Earth’s crust on prime farmland near to population centres so as to release gas from two miles under the surface and running the inevitable poisonous bi-products safely into Lake Windermere.

This process is considered to be a lot more efficient than merely building windmills on unused land and reaffirms the government’s determination to avoid logic or solving problems that are none of its business unless those problems are those of multinational corporations trying to stave off bankruptcy. It also reaffirms its policy of welcoming industries to these islands that other countries in their folly would not touch with a barge pole.

The Apocalypse has been Postponed!

The Daily Scare

Strange man predicts world will end on 21^st December 2212 (around teatime).

It is beginning to look as if the world may not in fact have ended as everybody had hoped on 21^st December but may drag on for some time to come.

Having secured an exclusive interview with my personal shaman, the Venerable Yogi Peyote Shroom of the Ashram Armageddon, I am able to bring you this exclusive which, fortunately, you will not be able to read about anywhere else.

When I asked the Ven Shroom about his prediction that the world would definitely and without doubt end at midday on 21st December – a prophesy that propelled thousands of Brits to stock up on tins of spam which they would not in fact be able to eat on account of their having ceased to exist – the greatest Seer ever to have lived since the last one was discredited explained:

“My prediction was entirely accurate and scientifically based on ancient writings found on a latrine wall during the excavations of the ancient city of Myopia.”

The Myopian civilisation was renowned for the ability of its Seers and Psychics to predict the future until it was unexpectedly wiped out in 5026 BC.

The cause of the sudden vanishing of Myopia remains as much a mystery to the archaeologists of today as it was to the Myopians at the time.

Some say the cause was a meteorite which the Seers predicted would hit the Earth.  The Myopians had just invented writing and this led inevitably to an ancient form of journalism and so it was the custom of the time for everybody to consider completely true everything inscribed on a stele. 

Although the meteorite in fact missed the Earth by a mere 100 trillion miles, the prediction caused everybody in Myopia to panic, abandon their cities and go live in caves. By the time they realised their mistake and tried to return to their cities, the Myopians discovered that squatters had moved in and, by then the laughing stock of all of South America – satirical cave drawings and graffiti on pyramids mocking the Myopian debacle have been found in archaelogical digs as far north as the Navajo lands of Colorado and as far south as the Tehuelche lands of Patagonia – they were too embarrassed to argue the toss.

Others say the cause was incessant warfare caused by the Myopian obsession with invading everybody so as to steal their maize. This proved to be an expensive way of getting maize when it was cheaper just to grow it themselves and so Myopia went bankrupt, causing everybody to become fed up with their government – something nobody, even the most enlightened Seers, Necromancers and Shamen, could have predicted – and return to nature. Evidently nature was none too keen to welcome them back on account of them not having treated it very well and so hit them with a sudden rise in sea levels, which in turn caused them to migrate en masse to Mexico to escape the damp.

Be all that as it may, I can report that the venerable Shroom has explained the reasons for the slight error in his own prediction:

“Unfortunately those of us chosen by God for no apparent reason to enjoy the gift of prescience must always wrestle with the fact that there are variables no-one can foresee.  While they do not detract from the wise yet inordinately depressing nature of our prophesies or the obligation of all lesser mortals to believe everything they are told by people with beards – in this case, me - they can get in the way of their actually coming true.  Such variables can include typos in the ancient calendars, forgetting that February only has 28 days, and other random influences such as the predicted event not actually happening.”

The Venerable Shroom went on to explain that he has just discovered a hitherto unnoticed footnote in the Myopian Calendar which also predicted that the end of the world would actually probably be postponed for a further two hundred years so as to give England time to win the World Cup – unless, of course, it isn’t.

A splinter group of the Temple of Armageddon yesterday set up its own sect, the Oracle of Transcendent Ambiguity.  Its leaders explained that their own examination of ancient Myopian scrolls indicate that the figure of 200 years is erroneous, mainly because this is not nearly enough time for England to win the World Cup.

However, while the venerable Shroom takes pains to outline the unexpected developments that created the impression that his predictions about the apocalypse were a complete cock-up, many of his followers insist that he was in fact correct and that the world did end on Dec 21^st.

They claim that everything that transpires from that time on is a figment of our imaginations. A spokesperson texted me this message from his spaceship (currently hovering over a mountain in Croatia in the hope of picking up survivors):

 “Although the world as we are now experiencing appears quite real, you are all in fact imagining it.  So can you please imagine some improvements.”

A recent Gallup survey suggests that the nation is divided on the whole issue of the apocalypse:  31% of people are of the opinion that the world is still here; 17% insist that it isn’t; 14% don’t know; 28% are convinced it was never really here in the first place and 10% don’t care.

On December 21^st, as the deadline for the Apocalypse passed (or not, according to your point of view) the world was swept by a tidal wave of disappointment. Millions of people had been kind of looking forward to it because it is considerably less expensive – except for a hike in the price of spam - than Christmas and other festivals of mass consumption so favoured by the world’s money lenders, in which people are traditionally forced to drink alcohol, eat strange puddings and be civil to people they don’t like.

The original Myopian calendar was based on the principle that the universe goes in 10 000 year cycles, each one marked by the celestial ascendance of one or other of their constellations and ending in disappointment. The era just completed was marked by the sign of Soporifix the ancient god of sleep and characterised across the span of centuries by the desire of the inhabitants of Earth not to wake up any more than they really had to.

According to the prophesies, we are now seeing the dawn of an Awakening, a new era known as the Age of Sarcasm in which millions of people leave sarcastic comments on Facebook or write sarcastic articles about failed prophesies concerning the Apocalypse or, indeed, England winning the World Cup.

This will be followed by the Age of Mirth in which everyone will have a good chuckle at the antics of the denizens of the previous ages.

And at some point in the far distant future there will arise the Age of Governments-Not-Lying-to-Anybody, although this may be cancelled due to budget cuts.

Many of my satirical articles and cartoons are now included in a collection of my work entitled Laugh or be Shot. 

Laugh or be Shot can be contained by making a donation large or small (you decide) to the drug charity Narconon UK.

For full details, click here.

Meanwhile, I've included a few of my recent articles here (see side bar).